5 years

Its been so long, yet its been only 5 years.  I remember the day, so clearly.  I remember her face, I remember watching her eyes.  I remember seeing her soul slowly leaving.  It was slow motion me getting out of the front seat of the car to hold her.  It took forever.  I was breathing, but i couldn't catch my breath..  She just kept saying you were gone.  That you did it.  I ride home we didn't say a word.  When we pulled into the driveway i hugged her through the seat, my baby sister, losing someone like that.  I said I was there, as she broke down and i felt her breaking. I didn't want this to happen, they would blame her.  I knew they would try to blame her, I know you didn't blame her.  She struggled, because you broke up...because you were her first boyfriend, because she was mad at you at the time.  You had to watch this all, from the sideline.

This day comes every year and every year we push through it.  You called the the triplets, and your not the last to say that my sisters and i are so close.  I think you knew that, at least I'd like to believe you did, that you knew that she would be OK.  That she had us.  I like to believe that you had no other choice, but that you didn't mean to hurt her.  You had just sent her cookies in the mail. Each with a letter, spelling out "I love you Kara".  I ate them you know.  I never got to tell you that. This year is different.  I was pregnant when you passed, and two months later i gave birth to this beautiful little boy.  I didn't know what i was having at the time, so when it was him, I knew a little of him was you.  He will be starting school now, and i see this light in him, this year i think about you even more.  Because the minute he was born I never wanted him to feel like you did that night. I worry though Peter, because I see the kids now, he is so sweet and playful.  These kids aren't like this anymore.

Its hit me now even more with my kids, how much you must have been going through.  I just don't ever want them to feel like there is no where for them to turn, that they have each other, like my sister had us. I do this or them, and in memory of you.

She is getting better, she is getting stronger, I see that soul that i saw slip away that day, i see it coming back.  She wants to keep you alive, getting a tattoo, defending you.  She misses you, every day.  But she is coming to terms, five years.  That's her strength though she may not see it, its you.  Its living and loving and surviving without you.  Its moving on, and being happy, its being happy with herself.  Its standing up to people who don't defend her or who pick others over her.  Because she knows life is too short, and you gave that to her.  I wish someone would have told you all the things you did, and i wish you could see what you still do.  You think we were close, but you were right there with us.  You were let in, and we don't let people in.

So five years.  My baby is a little man now, so much has happened.  So tomorrow, I will think of you, all day.  And i will hug my baby sister, and tell her we will get through it.  I think this will be the hardest year yet, because she is strong enough now to move forward.  You will help her, i know you will.  her soul is coming back, thank you for that.  Thank you for never leaving us.  We love you.

When is enough, enough?

I had a conversation with someone recently about the memorials that we make for someone after they die, specifically where that person may have past.  They thought possibly that there should be a law about how long those memorials should be allowed to stay there.  Lets put aside the "sensitivity chip" that this person may or may not lack.  This is not the first time I have heard this be said.  I feel like it needs to be made perfectly clear before i go on. Who are we, to tell someone how long it takes them to grieve? We don't, right.  Moving on,  For centuries the human race has been mourning or celebrating life which ever way makes them happy.  I find this one of the ways that makes  us who we are, how we handle grief.  When someone dies, we put a gravestone. These gravestones, stay there.  No one says "Well! thats enough of that!" and makes the family take it down.  I don't want to hear the argument, "but this is a cemetary, thats what is supposed to be there."  When we starting bury our loved ones, it was in our back yards, or where ever that person was happiest.  Needless to say there is something that needs to be said here.  I think with this tech age we are in, we have all lost a little bit of this sensitivity chip.  We dont grow close to people on a personal level, its through texting and facebook, twitter.  When someone passes away the new gravestone or memorial is their facebook page.  This is nice, you don't need to have that awkward moment when you run into someone else at the gravestone and now they see you not at your best like in your profile pic.  They see the real you, this can not happen.  


When you break up with someone you don't need to see the tears in their eyes, or to witness their heart break right in front of you.  You don't feel it! You never will.  So of course now you think all these memorials are in the way, they make you think of things.  You can't delete, you can't hide what you don't want to see.  We love this control don't we? This life management, we don't see what we don't want to see, we can backspace things we might not really want to say, but it makes us feel better to type it out and pretend.  I have panic attacks, i know all about not wanting anyone to see the real me.  But after a convo with this person and realizing how sad they must be. I will not become this person, its sad.


So here is the challenge...cry.  Not because you are sad, because you are alive, because you can! Scream! I mean yell when someone upsets you, because you are alive, because you can! Laugh not because something is funny, because something awkward happened, because you are alive, and because you can.


And make memorials, keep them up, visit them, miss those that have passed.  Never let someone tell you enough is enough. Because you are alive, and because you can!

im so in love with you hunnie....

would i be out of line, if i said................i miss you

I'm not very good with emotions.  I never was able to control them i supposed is the real issue.  I have friends, although im not sure they know how much i love them and need them.  I was taught to not care, to never let anyone too close.  This past year, people close to me have lost friends, mothers, siblings, grandparents, i just did what i would have wanted them to do for me,and left them alone. 


I am amazed how much facebook has become the new grave stone.  Its nice to have this imprint of these people always, i go on sometimes to a friends page, he never would have believed it, these friends and people he's met still 6 months later telling them all the things that made them love him.  The anger has settled in now.  So this is for him.  Because i have two sons, and i want them to know that there are people, there are friends, that will miss you! that will be angry, that no matter what you might think, are imortant, and you are loved.


I didn't write, i didnt say i word, all of your friends posting all these memories, i didnt want to be a random face in the crowd.  because i had to be strong for your friend.  Because he misses you, he poured out a beer that night, for you.  Because he wouldn't talk, or move, because he looked me right in the eye and said "im not doing well"  I saw all these posted, and knew mine wouldnt mean as much.  But it would have, and im sorry.  You remembered me when i came to your house that time.  it had been years and you remembered me, you acted like it was yesterday.  You were the only one of his friends that even seems slightly excited to meet his pregnant girlfriend that was taking him away from them.  You called me your perfect pitched music soul mate when i tuned your piano with my ear.  Then i find out you had passed and i had to look him in the eye and tell him,  days after he asked if he could go out with you.  He died a little that day you know.  I got an email later that day from people asking if he was ok... no he wasn't but i did the right thing."he is fine thank you how are you?"  I didn;t go to your memorial either, im sorry again, but we talked by the fire that night and i told you i lost someone like that, and you went and did it.  I couldnt do it again.  I just want you to know, that he is doing better, he misses his friend, i catch him just holding the piece of your shirt sometimes.  My sister was there to help him, she lost her boyfriend remember? i just can't ignore it anymore, and want you to know i miss you too! and im mad too! I wish you were here, i wish this never happened, i wish you knew how much this would hurt everyone and just stopped! i wish i posted on your wall, i wish you would write back all your friends, tell them its ok, tell them you are ok..........