5 years

Its been so long, yet its been only 5 years.  I remember the day, so clearly.  I remember her face, I remember watching her eyes.  I remember seeing her soul slowly leaving.  It was slow motion me getting out of the front seat of the car to hold her.  It took forever.  I was breathing, but i couldn't catch my breath..  She just kept saying you were gone.  That you did it.  I ride home we didn't say a word.  When we pulled into the driveway i hugged her through the seat, my baby sister, losing someone like that.  I said I was there, as she broke down and i felt her breaking. I didn't want this to happen, they would blame her.  I knew they would try to blame her, I know you didn't blame her.  She struggled, because you broke up...because you were her first boyfriend, because she was mad at you at the time.  You had to watch this all, from the sideline.

This day comes every year and every year we push through it.  You called the the triplets, and your not the last to say that my sisters and i are so close.  I think you knew that, at least I'd like to believe you did, that you knew that she would be OK.  That she had us.  I like to believe that you had no other choice, but that you didn't mean to hurt her.  You had just sent her cookies in the mail. Each with a letter, spelling out "I love you Kara".  I ate them you know.  I never got to tell you that. This year is different.  I was pregnant when you passed, and two months later i gave birth to this beautiful little boy.  I didn't know what i was having at the time, so when it was him, I knew a little of him was you.  He will be starting school now, and i see this light in him, this year i think about you even more.  Because the minute he was born I never wanted him to feel like you did that night. I worry though Peter, because I see the kids now, he is so sweet and playful.  These kids aren't like this anymore.

Its hit me now even more with my kids, how much you must have been going through.  I just don't ever want them to feel like there is no where for them to turn, that they have each other, like my sister had us. I do this or them, and in memory of you.

She is getting better, she is getting stronger, I see that soul that i saw slip away that day, i see it coming back.  She wants to keep you alive, getting a tattoo, defending you.  She misses you, every day.  But she is coming to terms, five years.  That's her strength though she may not see it, its you.  Its living and loving and surviving without you.  Its moving on, and being happy, its being happy with herself.  Its standing up to people who don't defend her or who pick others over her.  Because she knows life is too short, and you gave that to her.  I wish someone would have told you all the things you did, and i wish you could see what you still do.  You think we were close, but you were right there with us.  You were let in, and we don't let people in.

So five years.  My baby is a little man now, so much has happened.  So tomorrow, I will think of you, all day.  And i will hug my baby sister, and tell her we will get through it.  I think this will be the hardest year yet, because she is strong enough now to move forward.  You will help her, i know you will.  her soul is coming back, thank you for that.  Thank you for never leaving us.  We love you.

When is enough, enough?

I had a conversation with someone recently about the memorials that we make for someone after they die, specifically where that person may have past.  They thought possibly that there should be a law about how long those memorials should be allowed to stay there.  Lets put aside the "sensitivity chip" that this person may or may not lack.  This is not the first time I have heard this be said.  I feel like it needs to be made perfectly clear before i go on. Who are we, to tell someone how long it takes them to grieve? We don't, right.  Moving on,  For centuries the human race has been mourning or celebrating life which ever way makes them happy.  I find this one of the ways that makes  us who we are, how we handle grief.  When someone dies, we put a gravestone. These gravestones, stay there.  No one says "Well! thats enough of that!" and makes the family take it down.  I don't want to hear the argument, "but this is a cemetary, thats what is supposed to be there."  When we starting bury our loved ones, it was in our back yards, or where ever that person was happiest.  Needless to say there is something that needs to be said here.  I think with this tech age we are in, we have all lost a little bit of this sensitivity chip.  We dont grow close to people on a personal level, its through texting and facebook, twitter.  When someone passes away the new gravestone or memorial is their facebook page.  This is nice, you don't need to have that awkward moment when you run into someone else at the gravestone and now they see you not at your best like in your profile pic.  They see the real you, this can not happen.  


When you break up with someone you don't need to see the tears in their eyes, or to witness their heart break right in front of you.  You don't feel it! You never will.  So of course now you think all these memorials are in the way, they make you think of things.  You can't delete, you can't hide what you don't want to see.  We love this control don't we? This life management, we don't see what we don't want to see, we can backspace things we might not really want to say, but it makes us feel better to type it out and pretend.  I have panic attacks, i know all about not wanting anyone to see the real me.  But after a convo with this person and realizing how sad they must be. I will not become this person, its sad.


So here is the challenge...cry.  Not because you are sad, because you are alive, because you can! Scream! I mean yell when someone upsets you, because you are alive, because you can! Laugh not because something is funny, because something awkward happened, because you are alive, and because you can.


And make memorials, keep them up, visit them, miss those that have passed.  Never let someone tell you enough is enough. Because you are alive, and because you can!

im so in love with you hunnie....

would i be out of line, if i said................i miss you

I'm not very good with emotions.  I never was able to control them i supposed is the real issue.  I have friends, although im not sure they know how much i love them and need them.  I was taught to not care, to never let anyone too close.  This past year, people close to me have lost friends, mothers, siblings, grandparents, i just did what i would have wanted them to do for me,and left them alone. 


I am amazed how much facebook has become the new grave stone.  Its nice to have this imprint of these people always, i go on sometimes to a friends page, he never would have believed it, these friends and people he's met still 6 months later telling them all the things that made them love him.  The anger has settled in now.  So this is for him.  Because i have two sons, and i want them to know that there are people, there are friends, that will miss you! that will be angry, that no matter what you might think, are imortant, and you are loved.


I didn't write, i didnt say i word, all of your friends posting all these memories, i didnt want to be a random face in the crowd.  because i had to be strong for your friend.  Because he misses you, he poured out a beer that night, for you.  Because he wouldn't talk, or move, because he looked me right in the eye and said "im not doing well"  I saw all these posted, and knew mine wouldnt mean as much.  But it would have, and im sorry.  You remembered me when i came to your house that time.  it had been years and you remembered me, you acted like it was yesterday.  You were the only one of his friends that even seems slightly excited to meet his pregnant girlfriend that was taking him away from them.  You called me your perfect pitched music soul mate when i tuned your piano with my ear.  Then i find out you had passed and i had to look him in the eye and tell him,  days after he asked if he could go out with you.  He died a little that day you know.  I got an email later that day from people asking if he was ok... no he wasn't but i did the right thing."he is fine thank you how are you?"  I didn;t go to your memorial either, im sorry again, but we talked by the fire that night and i told you i lost someone like that, and you went and did it.  I couldnt do it again.  I just want you to know, that he is doing better, he misses his friend, i catch him just holding the piece of your shirt sometimes.  My sister was there to help him, she lost her boyfriend remember? i just can't ignore it anymore, and want you to know i miss you too! and im mad too! I wish you were here, i wish this never happened, i wish you knew how much this would hurt everyone and just stopped! i wish i posted on your wall, i wish you would write back all your friends, tell them its ok, tell them you are ok..........

a dying soul

"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting"


Here is the picture...19 years old, lving in a small town, trying to find a way to live. Just lost a soul mate, best friend, and confidant in one try. Not bad huh? Her whole life was built around pleasing "family" no not what we all consider family. Most grew up knowing that family is something that we make. Right? Its the people we surround ourselves with, the people who make us feel safe. Take care of us. Wrong! Not according to what she learned. Family was your mother father and sisters. THATS IT!... "No you can't go out with your friends, your sisters are enough. They won't be around for much longer anyways" or "What do you mean your upset because you and ***** are in a fight?!?! Who cares? That isn't what matters in life" How long do you think this can go on before a person will start to actually believe it?


One night after years of this torture she gets away. She had just broke up with her boyfriend, she had been with him for 4 years. This was just another break she told herself. He will come back, and she will let him. She goes to a party, no one is there to tell her no, no one is there to say that these people don't care about her. Maybe they do...maybe they dont doesn't matter at this point.  (just breath little girl, your not ready for this). She sees her best guy friend. So she thought. They have a few drinks, he leads her to his room, she knows she doesn't want this. She wants him back, she just can't process what was happening. ( stop! he isn't him, he won't take his place) They fall to the bed, and she wakes up the next morning. alone. (ok, go home)


This is when her world falls apart. Who's wouldn't? He tells....everyone. Her soul mate can't even stand the sight of her, she cant stand the sight her. 


"I'm through with doubt
There's nothing left for me to figure out
I've paid a price
And I'll keep paying"


She can't breath. You know that feeling, where the is no air, none. She is gasping, and the world just keeps spinning, people keep moving. She is slowing losing sight of who she is, who she wanted to be, and who she was supposed to be, all in one shot. She is reaching out, but there is no one there, they all think she is a drug addict, must be right? She can't get out of bed, she doesn't eat, she drives to the middle of no where and calls her father. "im lost"


"I'm not ready to make nice
I'm not ready to back down
I'm still mad as hell and I don't have time
To go round and round and round"


The anger sets in. Where is this family? "they've all given up on you" Where is my mind " You're not yourself anymore" Who the FUCK are you? "dad" 


Weeks are passing, she is fading. No one notices that maybe there is something really wrong. Maybe she isn't a drug addict, maybe she really does have something else going on. NO ONE. So she gives up on them this time.


"It's too late to make it right
I probably wouldn't if I could
Cause I'm mad as hell, can't bring myself
To do what it is you think I should"


So she pushes forward, she reunites with that friend she was told wouldn't stick around. You know the one that the family would be more important than. They have fun, they laugh. She tells her that he is gone, they both are gone. They can't hurt her anymore. She begins to breath a little more, she can stand without help, she can get out of bed. The tears are being wiped from her face. Her darkness is still there. 


"I know you said
Can't you just get over it??
It turned my whole world around
And I kinda like it"


She can feel it all coming back, people are asking questions, her phone is ringing. "can't you just get over it?" no. no i can't.  She just wants things to stay the way they are. better. Then she meets him, the saying "you can't love someone unless you love yourself" in this case did not apply. He would make her love herself. He was a beautiful disaster just like her, he had his demons, but he would still smile. And he was smiling at her, for the first time in years, he was noticing her. No matter how invisible she made herself, he could see her. Now she kinda likes it!


"I made my bed and I sleep like a baby"


The fun has begun, the laughter the play, the adventures, they have begun. They have yet to stop. After a few months, the real miracle arrives. The little boy. The little blonde hair blue eyed boy, who loves them both more than any of them ever did. This little boy is her soul mate, he always was her soul mate. He saved her! Her new family, and her friend. they saved her. Because if this didn't happen, she would never have made it another year, another hour, another minute. 




"Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I'm not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I'm still waiting"

Adventures of a mom of three- masterpiece

Eldest Son. Logan

You know how people always think that their child is "gifted"? They are always bragging how "advanced" they are. I don't actually mind it, what kind of parent would you be if you were to not think the world of your child. There are studies out there, that state that no matter what, every child develops at the same pace. Studies, I really could not care less about what any study has ever told me. All I know, is what i "study" myself. You could say that i have a really bad case of mama bear syndrome. I don't like when people offer me "solutions" unless I ask for them and I think my child is more advanced than anyone I've seen. (unless of course it is any of my friends children in which case they are gifted to me as well) I'm prejudice that way. I supposed that makes me come off as a beast, I couldn't care less, I was raised to not care what other people think. You can say what you want about that, how it is impossible, or that would make me unable to have a real connection with someone. That's what the studies state right? eh think what you want, I don't care. See what I did there?

I look at raising these kids as my masterpiece, nothing I will ever create in my life will ever come close to these miracles. When Logan was born, there was a lot I didn't know, but it did come to me. Little by little in my own time I developed as a person, and as a mother. He was such a fragile little man, but as he grew there was a mature nature about him. When he was one he said "book" clear as day. He would listen and repeat earlier than that. All his syllables were separate, never slurring or mumbled. He was polite, smart and beautiful. When it comes to these things, he is advanced. He could count to ten by the time he was 18 months, he could do the whole abc's and tell you his favorite color by the time he was a little older than 2. All things he learned from "moose and zee" he says. (moose and zee are my heroes by the way). Then the mother bear hits, don't let him near the children who still act like they are 2, but he is two, why not? All these thoughts are going through my head, when in reality, you can't take that away from him. 

I read in a book a few months back about a father who only read his newborn out of a history book, put all the letters in a mobile above his bed. Everything was education to this man. He enrolled his 10 year old boy at harvard, he graduated by the time he was 16 I believe. He was a math wiz, could add numbers in his head , that the rest of us could barely do on paper. His job when he graduated was a low salary job where he used a calculator even though he didn't have to. He was homeless, and refused to use anything he had learn in school to his advantage. Then it hit me, Logan could be smart, he could be advanced, but he is still normal, still needs to be a normal child. Ok make it his choice always no matter what. If you think I think my child will be a homeless man if I ever push him to do his best, you don't know me very well and stop reading my blog!! 

Loganism number one "its ok peighton, I'm here, Ive got you" 

That's all i care about. 

When you are a parent you will get all sorts of "advice" listen and if it gets to be too much let people know. Because you are the one who is in control, its your masterpiece. No one knows what they are doing, no one. I look at them and know I did the right thing when I had them. Every one. Its hard, but they will be exactly how I allow them to be. So I teach what I can, while I can, and hope they can take that, mix in some of their own ideas, and become the best versions of themselves.

What more could you ask for?

Adventures of a mom of three

People always said that I would be good as a writer. Although I don't remember a time when i had anything that i would actually feel inclined to write about. Until this happened. 24 years old with 3 children under the age of four. ( to be completely corny with a  "you think you know but have no idea" moment). When I found out I was pregnant with my first I was 20. Nope, no teenage pregnancy here, I waited....a year. Logan was born as a tiny bird- like creature with blond hair and jaundice. His other health problems, we will get to soon. He would grow ( I use the word grow loosely in his case) to be this amazing little boy with a whole lot to say. These sayings will be referred to as "loganisms" -definition- the random things that come out of Logan's mouth that make me laugh, cry, scream, and sometimes want to break something over my head. IE "is I can do that and I WILL do that". yea you let me know if you can figure that one out. Who's first word was "book" and would rather have a book than a toy any day. An "old soul" as he has been called, who loves his brother and sister with everything he has.

Keegan came two years later...oops was not really the word I would use. Two years apart is not all that bad right? NOPE not unless you break your pelvis giving birth and can't walk for 6 months, then its a nightmare you can't wake up from. When Logan was told about the impending arrival of a brother or sister he wanted to know if  "Buzz could come" on this journey. Something I'm sure Buzz now regrets, as he now has daily scuba adventures in the toilet courtesy of Keegan. My little fire. Red hair and pudgy cheeks. Happy soul who plays like the kid in toy story. No really, I never played like that kid and not many people do. He does.
Then when Keegan was eight months old. BOOM here comes the real oops, I don't know how it happened. My pelvis was broken and we were careful...er Now things got kicked into over drive. Enter Peighton.

Peighton was born via c section (pelvis) a beautiful little girl with brown hair. Too little to have very many stories yet, but they will be just as exciting I'm sure.
Let me break it down for you.  Throughout the night my husband and I have been tag teaming the feedings. I completely recommend this to any couple , sorry for those who believe a child should ONLY have breast milk, but I barely have time to eat during the day to be building up enough milk for any of them to survive on. This is not selfish, its real. I do what I can , and what I can't, Scott steps in.

My mornings consist of waking up getting everyone out of diapers which always have a "nugget"-definition- a small piece of a bowel moment that smells worse than a full bowel moment, sent from the child as a reminder of whats to come later in the day. Hard to clean and sometime may even roll out of the diaper for even more enjoyment.
Getting the cloths on, I can't really complain about this, they actually are OK with this part of the day.
Breakfast, OK so those health problems with Logan, now they enter. I don't know what happened to this child that made him hate eating. He is 3 and is less than 30 pound. My EX Dr that it could be " poor diet choices". How about you tell me! how can my two children eat the same thing all day long and he be less than 30 pounds, and the other, who is two years younger, be OVER 30 pounds. So rule number one people. Change Dr's and change again, until you find someone who can actually help you. Because to pack up 3 children under 4 into the car to someone who had no idea what to do is one more waste of time you don't need.
The adventures continue throughout the day, crying fits and hungry newborns fill me head with noise and wonderment.

Sometimes I think back and wonder, What if I had thought it through?. What is Scott and I had planned it all out the kids, figured out how many we wanted, or how we wanted to raise them. Discipline actions, how much TV we would allow, how much one movie can be watch, or even if we wanted a pacifier or security blanket.
Here's what it would have looked like...my plan.
TV. Limit the TV to an hour a day. Only children shows, and volume low and soothing.
Pacifier or blanket. I would prefer no pacifier hard to get them off, i don't mind the blanket. But it WILL stay clean and there will be only one, they will just have to deal while I wash it.
Discipline. No spanking. speak to them like adults, time out is a waste of time, and no bargaining!
Movies Get watched ONCE a day.

OK sounds good, Lets begin
My TV is on all day, try telling a child who is SCREAMING that he can not watch sponge bob more than twice a day and he can't watch Diego and learn Spanish. That's right Sponge bob, wheres the education?? where the low volume??
Toy story 1, 2 and 3 play continuously all day, there is no stopping it, they have actually learned how to work the tv and dvd player themselves.
You may say you don't want that pacifier, but when your child is screaming at 3 am and there is nothing you can do to make them feel better. you're going to love that pacifier. This is not the same for every child. Keegan choked on the pacifier.
The blanket. Loganism "na night" i have 2, and they are both dirty. When you take that away and his blue eyes glass over and he is crying so hard he is choking. You'll learn to steal it when they are sleeping. And you will love it just as much as him.
All your discipline ideas WILL go out the window..trust me..they will.
But its OK. Because everyday is different. I'm ok with the way everything went down, im happy with how we handle everyday. These children are happy and well behaved. We will get Logan's health under control, but its and adventure everyday. That's why I started this blog, because what could be more exciting than 3 kids under 4? Look for updates and find out my friends!