Its been so long, yet its been only 5 years. I remember the day, so clearly. I remember her face, I remember watching her eyes. I remember seeing her soul slowly leaving. It was slow motion me getting out of the front seat of the car to hold her. It took forever. I was breathing, but i couldn't catch my breath.. She just kept saying you were gone. That you did it. I ride home we didn't say a word. When we pulled into the driveway i hugged her through the seat, my baby sister, losing someone like that. I said I was there, as she broke down and i felt her breaking. I didn't want this to happen, they would blame her. I knew they would try to blame her, I know you didn't blame her. She struggled, because you broke up...because you were her first boyfriend, because she was mad at you at the time. You had to watch this all, from the sideline.
This day comes every year and every year we push through it. You called the the triplets, and your not the last to say that my sisters and i are so close. I think you knew that, at least I'd like to believe you did, that you knew that she would be OK. That she had us. I like to believe that you had no other choice, but that you didn't mean to hurt her. You had just sent her cookies in the mail. Each with a letter, spelling out "I love you Kara". I ate them you know. I never got to tell you that. This year is different. I was pregnant when you passed, and two months later i gave birth to this beautiful little boy. I didn't know what i was having at the time, so when it was him, I knew a little of him was you. He will be starting school now, and i see this light in him, this year i think about you even more. Because the minute he was born I never wanted him to feel like you did that night. I worry though Peter, because I see the kids now, he is so sweet and playful. These kids aren't like this anymore.
Its hit me now even more with my kids, how much you must have been going through. I just don't ever want them to feel like there is no where for them to turn, that they have each other, like my sister had us. I do this or them, and in memory of you.
She is getting better, she is getting stronger, I see that soul that i saw slip away that day, i see it coming back. She wants to keep you alive, getting a tattoo, defending you. She misses you, every day. But she is coming to terms, five years. That's her strength though she may not see it, its you. Its living and loving and surviving without you. Its moving on, and being happy, its being happy with herself. Its standing up to people who don't defend her or who pick others over her. Because she knows life is too short, and you gave that to her. I wish someone would have told you all the things you did, and i wish you could see what you still do. You think we were close, but you were right there with us. You were let in, and we don't let people in.
So five years. My baby is a little man now, so much has happened. So tomorrow, I will think of you, all day. And i will hug my baby sister, and tell her we will get through it. I think this will be the hardest year yet, because she is strong enough now to move forward. You will help her, i know you will. her soul is coming back, thank you for that. Thank you for never leaving us. We love you.
